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Hey everyone. Man, it’s been a week since I’ve written on here. Computer crashed and was in the shop. I was starting to go thru some serious withdrawls!!! Ok, so I didn’t do great about writing down my workouts so I can’t put them on my log but I did work out 4 days this last week. For some reason I have really been struggling with just getting out of bed. I’m exhausted all the time and feel so completely drained. I’m thinking it’s the stress of not having a job, looking for a job, kids, house, weight, relationship, health….all that combined is giving me insomnia. I have been hoping that working out will give me more energy but it isn’t and I know I can’t expect it overnight. (want it to happen overnight though:)

On the job front, so I have been emaling my resume daily and have still only recieved 2 call backs. 1 was a dud the other…well I have gone thru 3 interviews and hopefully will get they will call me on Monday and offer me the job. It’s actually a legitimate job working from home!! It’s working for a company that does consumer warranty services and I will take calls from home helping people troubleshoot their Direct TV services and stuff like that. The pay is less, ALOT, less than I was making before BUT because of the hours I would work I won’t have to pay for daycare and I will be home with the kids. (Its 3rd shift while they are sleeping) Last year I paid $10,000 for childcare!!! 10 grand! That’s INSANE!  Training starts on the 13th so fingers crossed they call me Monday!!

Whew, it feels sooooo good to have my computer back. I was going thru serious withdrawls. LOL. Anywho. It’s 8 am now so I am going to hop off here, eat a bagel and hop on the treadmill and get my day going. I hope you have a great weekend!

P.S. I’ve lost 4 pounds! Woohoo…I’ll take any I can get! 

Ok, so it’s day four and I’m still on board! WOOHOO!!! So, I got up late this morning, stayed up late applying for jobs, and had to rush the oldest to school. UGH! I did do my treadmill this morning, pretty slow I might add. I was on the phone with my mom the entire time. She was lonely and having some issues and I was already on the treadmill so instead of using her as an excuse to get off the treadmill I stayed on and just kept with a slower pace. I kinda needed to anyway, my hips are sore from the past couple of days walking. That’s sad!mI have only done a little over a mile each day and my hips are sore! I know it’s because of all the extra weight and the fact that I am not used to walking so much and I know it will get better so on I press! Let’s see, what else did I do today……cleaned the kitchen. I mean one of those break out the toothbrush and grime solvent cleanings. That was fun. NOT! But I was moving instead of sitting in front of the tv so that’s good! LOL. Overall the day seems to have gone by pretty fast. It’s 7:30 and I am exhausted but I think once I get the boys to bed I am going to hop on the treadmill and do another mile or so. I didn’t really push myself this morning so I feel like I cheated myself and I don’t like to be cheated! By anyone!

On a personal note I could use some advice….I have been dating someone for a while now, we have been close friends for a couple of years and here lately I have been somewhat distancing myself from him. Part of it is because I am stressed over not having a job and loosing weight but I’m not really sure what the whole deal is. The thing is my marriage sucked big time and it took me a long time to trust someone, him, and I trust him completely. I love him with my whole heart and he loves me and my kids. But for some reason something has changed and I know it’s 100% me but I can’t figure out what it is. This man has been asking me out for years. YEARS! Part of the reason I didn’t say yes right away is because I thought he was immature and I’ve been there, done that, got the badge. But when I finaly said yes and let him in I realized he isn’t all that immature. He still likes to sit around and play video games and play beer pong with his friends but he has for the most part chosen to be with me and they boys. He says he wants this. This family. But here lately I have been getting so frustrated with him because he just doesn’t seem to get how HARD things are for me right now. When I talk to him about it I get more and more frustrated at him because he doesn’t say anything. Or when he does all he says is I wish I knew what to tell you or I wish I could help. Why am I getting frustrated that he isn’t doing something when even I don’t know what needs to be done. Have you ever been to the point that when you look at someone they disgust you? That is horrible to say, I know, and I know it’s not that he disgusts me. I think it is more about me. How I feel about myself and my own self worth right now. But how do I get that stop? How do I stop pushing away this wonderful man that would do anything for me? I know that the key to my happiness is in me, I get that, but I can’t seem get over this hurdle. I feel like he’s not doing enough but then again, what am I expecting him to do? I have no earthly clue. Does any of this make sense?

Ok, I am going nuts with this whole not snacking thing! The more I think about it the more I WANT, MUST HAVE a snack. lol. Ok, I have controlled myself but it got me to thinking…I can’t live my life without snacks so how about better snacks. Maybe even some cheats. I went online, did some research and have come up with some snacks/cheats:

Hershey Kisses 3=100 Calories

Half English Muffin topped with Peanut Butter = 95 Calories

Graham Crackers 2 Sheets = 100 Calories

Graham Crackers and Peanut Butter 2 Squares+1tbsp Light Peanut Butter = 155 Calories

Jello Fat Free Pudding 1=100 Calories  (Chocolate! Devil’s Food! Chocolate/Vanilla Swirl! YUMMY)

Frozen Yogurt (Fat Free) 3oz = 100 Calories

Cherries 1cup = 95 Calories

Egg hard boiled=81 Calories  (And lots of vitamins) (Remove the yolk and it’s 17 Calories!)

Almonds Roasted 10 Almonds = 100 Calories

Popcorn 3 Cups Air Popped = 93 Calories

Pop Secret Light Butter Premium Microwave Popcorn 5 cups = 100 Calories  (5 CUPS!!!) 

Rasberries 1 berry = 1 calorie

Sugar Free Fudgsicles 1=40 Calories (And it’s a chocolate fix!)

Sugar Free Jello 1/2 cup = 10 Calories

Small Orange 1 = 45 Calories

Single Serve Bag Chocolate Covered Pretzels = 130 Calories (serving is @2 oz.)

Pumpkin Seeds, Dry Roasted 1/4 cup = 71 Calories

Vegetables and Fruits are awesome too!

I could keep going with all that I have found but alas, all this is making me want a snack very badly so I shall end here. Hope this helps!

Whew, so I did my treadmill workout this morning and I must say, I definitly like doing it better in the morning. Instead of being sleepy all morning and wanting to crawl back in bed it kept me going. Energized me! YAY!

So today I decided that I am going to write down my calorie intake at least for the next couple of days. I need to see this! I’ve never really been one to watch that but I need to see it. I know the emotional and binge eating has got to stop and I think if I force myself to SEE it that will go a long way.

Let’s see, what else…Well, I am still looking for a job. I am getting so frustrated because I am highly qualified for most if not all of the jobs that I have been applying for and I am just not getting any call backs! I know the economy is bad but are there really no jobs? I apply for at least 10 jobs a day. Jobs that I am qualified for. Jobs that I am over qualified for. And yet I’m gettin nuthin! Grrrr….I have to keep telling myself I will find a job but I’m beginning to worry if that will happen before the money runs out. And it’s gonna run out here real soon! Grrr…stupid economy. Ok, enough of all that self pity.

I am gonna hop off here and get some laundry done and try to get the little one to take a nap. Maybe I can walk on the treadmill for a little. Any little bit helps!

Grrrr….I have been trying for almost an hour to add a countdown clock to my blog dashboard and I can’t get it to go. I’ve tried so many different sites I give up. For now. RSS and HTML codes won’t break me though! hehe. Yay, I walked 1.25 miles in 30 minutes on the treadmill today! Whew, my hips hurt but I wont be detered! I’m thinking I may have to give up watching tv though. After I ate dinner with the boys I sat down and turned on the news and I swear my stomach started to growl and I felt hungry. I know I wasn’t because I had just eaten. I never realized until yesterday that just about everytime I sit down to watch tv I get a snack. Something to keep my “busy”. Ugh, it’s either give up watching tv or find something else to do with my fingers. Maybe knitting. LOL. Seriously, that was a joke. Not gonna happen but it gives way to thought…doesn’t it seem that at some points your body has a mind of it’s own. Rather your stomach. No, I take that back, not your stomach, maybe it’s your mind. As I was sitting there thinking I need a snack I recognized that I wasn’t really hungry and yet I felt hungry. Alas, I did not get a snack but I so wanted to! Changes in lifestyle baby! They come slow and there will definitly be some more of those “Ah HA!” moments to come. What has been your  Ah HA! moment?

Whew, yesterday was a long day. We pretty much worked around the house the entire day getting organized. I didn’t walk on the treadmill but I did walk around the block with the kids for about 30 minutes so that’s good. I have decided that the treadmill workout must be done in the mornings otherwise by the end of the day I am tuckered out. And I realized my danger time is in the evening when the kids are in bed so I am going to have to find something to keep me occupied in the evenings. Hey, I could use some help on my home page. I tried to add a ticker for my christmas mini stretch challange, got the ticker made and now I can’t figure out how to get it on my home page. I’m still trying to figure out this sight and how to do things. lol. Anywho, have a great monday! I am going to get off here and take the little one out for a bike ride.

Thanks to everyone that has sent me word of encouragement. I am on my way. Today I started a cleanse and am starting to dedicate myself to MYSELF! Including drinking more water. Ugh. Thing is I don’t mind water so much as long as it’s freezing cold. LOL. Did you know it takes your body more energy to heat ice water to body tempurature so it’s actually better to drink cold water. (Hey, I’ll take any cheat I can So far today it’s been good. I am making myself be active instead of sitting in the couch watching tv. I’m trying to get my house organized. Usually I wimp out about 2 hours in but it’s after 1 and I’m still going. I am a reminder kind of person so I set reminders on my blackberry to remind me to take my vitamins and to work out on the treadmill.  I was thinking about how often I should weigh myself and I know most weight loss guides say daily but I know myself and if I see THAT number everyday I will get discouraged and frustrated so I am going to go with weekly weigh in’s at least for the next couple of weeks. Probaly until I get under the dreaded 200!

Oh yeah, about the cleanse. So a friend of mine was telling me all this gross stuff about your body and your intestins and that the key is to rid your body of the most toxins you can and “start fresh” so that is what I am doing. She used this chinese tea but I have IBS so it wasn’t for me so I am doing a more gentle cleanse and hopefully it will help jump start me. I know the reason I am so tired all the time and have no energy is because of my weight and lifestyle so I am trying to jolt myself into action. Fake it till you make it I guess. Actually, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions for energy boosters I am all ears. I am a more of a natural herb kind of girl so if you have any suggestions let me know. I want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be proud of how I look and I will do this! And I don’t want this to be a passing thing. I want to make lfestyle changes to where things come natural. You know why diets don’t work? Because you CAN’T live you entire life on a diet! It’s portion control and lifestyle changes and that is what I want to accomplish. That is what I WILL accomplish. Ok, I need to get back to work but I just wanted to stop by and say thank you for all the kind words. I will update later! Thank you!

P.S. No junk food or eating out of boredom yet today! Woohoo! (Gotta keep busy. Must keep busy! Will keep busy!)

Hello. Ok, so I am new here, of course, and wow, there is so much to say, so much to think about. First, thank you for this sight. Hopefully I will learn to use it to help me and hopefully help others. So, I’m going to just jump in and write. Please excuse me if I ramble or jump from one thing to the next.

I, like most people am doing this to help myself loose the weight I have been carrying around for WAY TOOO LONG! I used to be one of those skinny girls that never had to work at it. Even when I was skinny I still thought I was thick and needed to loose a few pounds. LOL. So what happened to me? Well, I got married, got lazy, blah blah blah. The excuses could go on. Thing is, It’s my own fault. I eat when I’m bored, or stressed, which sufice to say is ALOT! I was married for 7 years and in that 7 years I was told on almost a daily basis I wasn’t good enough, I used that as an excuse until I woke up and realized I was good enough and I left. With my 2 kids. Whew, if I had known how hard the single mother thing was going to be I might have stayed longer. Not because I am lazy and it was a shortcut but because they would at least have had their dad. He’s not around and it causes imense pain and problems for my oldest, whom is 7. My youngest, 3, remembers him but doesn’t seem very fazed by his absence. I bring all this up because it is one of the largest parts of my stress. My oldest suffers from adhd and severe anxiety disorder as well as tricholtolmania. (”trich” is a hair pulling disorder. He pulls out his eyelashes.) Both of these combined make him a very challanging child. He is loving and kind but has zero, and I mean ZERO!, impluse control He is contantly stealing and lying and I am always waiting for the next thing that he does and trying to figure out the best way to try and handle that. He can be so loving and kind and yet so deceitful and at some points dangerous so I’m always on alert. So I am raising 2 boys by myself doing the best I can and then I lost my job. I had been with this company for almost 4 years, had just moved into a new position, one that would give me alot more time with my kids and well, it didn’t work out and I was let go. That was almost 3 weeks ago. I have had no luck in my job search and I am so imensly stressed that needless to say, I have PACKED on some pounds over the past couple of weeks. Years too but about 20 in the past 2 weeks. It’s not about the 20, it’s about the 50 in the past 5 years. I would love to have the excuse of “i gained it due to having my kids” but I didn’t. I weighed less after having them. I gained all this weight because I don’t eat right. I don’t exercise. I took my kids to the beach and I was too humiliated to put on a bathing suit or shorts and a tank top so I wore capri’s and a tshirt. To the beach! I couldn’t even enjoy playing in the water with them because I was too embarressed of my size! A while ago my oldest needed a new bike so when I got it for him I got one for myself too thinking I could ride with him. It would be good exercise and something to do with him. Yeah, I’ve rode it maybe 3 times. I get winded just riding around the block. I am so out of shape and so obese and I HATE it! What I hate even more is the fact that I don’t seem to hate it enough to do something about it. Don’t get me wrong, I try. I just keep giving up. A friend of mine gave me a treadmill so I could walk at home. I used it for about a week until I found about 100 excuses not to use it. And I still have it. Letting it collect dust instead of my fat ass! I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be this fat unhappy person. I want to be proud of how I look. I want to have energy to play with my kids. I want to be able to ride that stupid pink bike more than just around the block. I want, rather I NEED to make lifestyle changes to better my life, my kids lives. Here is my commitment to myself: Start small and work my way up the mountain! Walk on the treadmill at least 3 times per week. 20 minutes each. When I find myself reaching for a snack I will log on here and read this blog and post something new. Wether it’s a joke or a thought. I will reach my goals, but I need help. This is what I ask of you: Check up on me. Just send me a message asking me how’s it going. Be encouraging but be tough. Ask me to be honest and how many times I have walked this week. Ask me how it’s going. Tell me how you are doing. Something, anything so I don’t feel like I am so alone, doing all this all by myself. As I sit here and type I realize how sad that sounds and I’m sorry. I’m not a sad person. At this point in my life I am lost and unhappy but it’s all relative to me and the only one that can change that is me but encouragement goes a long way. Advice helps too. I’ll take anything and everything! Thank you for taking the time to read this and please, feel free to check up on me and introduce yourself!